Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about our culture and the church in regard to how we approach the topic of pornography.

Much of this is because I keep seeing questions from men in our community that go something like this:

I keep messing up with porn, etc. Is the problem that…

• I don’t love God enough?
• I don’t value my family enough?
• I’m not as committed to my faith as I want to be?
• I lack the moral fiber to do the right thing?
• I want porn more than I want God?

And to be honest, I’ve thought these things myself in the past when I was struggling. It’s frankly perplexing to feel so much disdain for a behavior that goes against one’s values and beliefs yet find yourself going back to those things over and over again.

Much of this is because of the way we’ve approached these matters in the past focusing on behavior modification and the like. But I think it’s especially problematic for Christians because the church’s messages about matters like addiction and transformation, while accurate (at times), still leave us feeling confused.

Why?

Because often the spiritual answers we are given lack practical or tangible substance.

For example, recently I heard a message from a popular online pastor about why we can’t stop doing bad or self-damaging things, even though we want to, and even though we know those things are a problem.

Truth be told, his message was fairly good considering he was trying to tackle such a complex topic within a 30-minute time span.

In this sermon the pastor recognized that there are many factors that prevent us from changing, including practical, emotional, relational, and physical reasons. However, he also stated that at the heart of the issue when it comes to change is one common problem, and that’s a spiritual challenge.

That being our attempt to meet a spiritual need with something other than God.

Now this is not the first time I’ve heard that idea. I’m sure many of you have as well. And I will be the first one to say that generally speaking I believe he’s right. The reason we go to things like porn, sex, masturbation, or any other destructive habit is we are trying to fill a need only God can fill.

But what is that need?

• That was the question I never heard answered in the message.
• That was the question I asked myself years ago, day after day after dang day.
• That was the question that seemed to have no practical answer.

Does the need we are trying to fill vary from person to person? 

Is it a need that only some people have? 

And most importantly, how do we figure out what that need is when we are constantly suppressing these thoughts with our addictive behaviors?

Again, this is a complex matter. It definitely can’t be fully addressed in a 30-minute sermon let alone a blog post. But I want to give you something tangible that you can grab on to which may help you figure out the “spiritual need” in your life.

And that core need I believe is the same for everyone.

It’s connection.

But here’s the thing. It’s not just a “spiritual” need. It’s also a physical and psychological need. So much so that when we lack connection in our lives our brains can’t function properly. 

When we experience meaningful and secure connection, we feel safe and that allows us to thrive as individuals. But when we lack that sense of connection, we experience fear and anxiety and find ourselves trying to simply survive the daily grind by any means necessary.

Unfortunately, though, the need for connection is often overlooked by the majority of us.

Yes, most recognize that we desire meaningful connection, but we fail to recognize its necessity. This is very evident by the fact that often many gravitate towards isolation rather than engagement when they struggle with their decisions and thoughts. 

And so when we don’t understand our need for connection, we look to fill that need through other means. 

• That might mean we suppress it.
• It might mean we try to replace it with significance and achievement.
• Or it could mean we look to the wrong people to provide it.

And when that doesn’t work, we act out to escape the reality of our sad situation.

However, when we fully lean into the single source of perfect connection and security, the one who accepts us, loves us, and protects us even on our worst days, we can experience that security and connection we so desperately want and need.

So yes, ultimately we continue to act out because of a deep spiritual need. But that need is not a mystery or something otherworldly. Rather it is woven into our very DNA and extremely tangible.

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