Much of this is because I keep seeing questions from men in our community that go something like this:
I keep messing up with porn, etc. Is the problem that…
And to be honest, I’ve thought these things myself in the past when I was struggling. It’s frankly perplexing to feel so much disdain for a behavior that goes against one’s values and beliefs yet find yourself going back to those things over and over again.
Much of this is because of the way we’ve approached these matters in the past focusing on behavior modification and the like. But I think it’s especially problematic for Christians because the church’s messages about matters like addiction and transformation, while accurate (at times), still leave us feeling confused.
Why?
Stop Simply Surviving & Start Thriving
Join the Live Free CommunityFor example, recently I heard a message from a popular online pastor about why we can’t stop doing bad or self-damaging things, even though we want to, and even though we know those things are a problem.
Truth be told, his message was fairly good considering he was trying to tackle such a complex topic within a 30-minute time span.
In this sermon the pastor recognized that there are many factors that prevent us from changing, including practical, emotional, relational, and physical reasons. However, he also stated that at the heart of the issue when it comes to change is one common problem, and that’s a spiritual challenge.
That being our attempt to meet a spiritual need with something other than God.
Now this is not the first time I’ve heard that idea. I’m sure many of you have as well. And I will be the first one to say that generally speaking I believe he’s right. The reason we go to things like porn, sex, masturbation, or any other destructive habit is we are trying to fill a need only God can fill.
But what is that need?
Does the need we are trying to fill vary from person to person?
Is it a need that only some people have?
And most importantly, how do we figure out what that need is when we are constantly suppressing these thoughts with our addictive behaviors?
Again, this is a complex matter. It definitely can’t be fully addressed in a 30-minute sermon let alone a blog post. But I want to give you something tangible that you can grab on to which may help you figure out the “spiritual need” in your life.
And that core need I believe is the same for everyone.
But here’s the thing. It’s not just a “spiritual” need. It’s also a physical and psychological need. So much so that when we lack connection in our lives our brains can’t function properly.
When we experience meaningful and secure connection, we feel safe and that allows us to thrive as individuals. But when we lack that sense of connection, we experience fear and anxiety and find ourselves trying to simply survive the daily grind by any means necessary.
Yes, most recognize that we desire meaningful connection, but we fail to recognize its necessity. This is very evident by the fact that often many gravitate towards isolation rather than engagement when they struggle with their decisions and thoughts.
And so when we don’t understand our need for connection, we look to fill that need through other means.
And when that doesn’t work, we act out to escape the reality of our sad situation.
However, when we fully lean into the single source of perfect connection and security, the one who accepts us, loves us, and protects us even on our worst days, we can experience that security and connection we so desperately want and need.
So yes, ultimately we continue to act out because of a deep spiritual need. But that need is not a mystery or something otherworldly. Rather it is woven into our very DNA and extremely tangible.
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