3 Trust Building Tips




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Carl Thomas

Pastor | Live Free Founder | Lover of Jesus, Philly sports, fitness, tattoos, sarcasm, and craft beers.

This month in the Live Free Community we’ve been talking a lot about building intimacy through trust.

And there’s a good reason for this…

Let’s be real, in a marriage where one partner is struggling with porn trust is often stretched, if not completely broken. And it is completely understandable.

But, the reality is this: If there is no trust between a husband and his wife, the recovery journey for both will be extremely difficult.

As hard as it is, the truth is you need to be partners in this process, not adversaries.

But how does one build trust when they are still very much in the “struggle?”

Trust is a rare thing and a valuable commodity. Not just in marriage, but in life. Part of the reason for this is because first all, it’s fragile.

Second, it takes time to build, and even longer to RE-build.

So this means you can’t just do one huge gesture and instantly restore trust. But, you can do some things to start that process as soon as today.

Here are three:


Do you know what’s worse than someone who broke your trust? Someone who doesn’t want to own it and looks for ways to justify their behavior.


Because when you fail to own up to your actions you rob yourself of any integrity and it’s virtually impossible to trust someone who lacks integrity.

The freedom journey can be long and complicated. Most likely there will be mistakes and setbacks. This is just part of the process.

But if you are willing to own your failures and shortcomings you send a signal to your spouse that you are willing to be held accountable and are not oblivious to the fact that you need help.


A common husbandly shortcomings is the tendency to tell your wife “I’ll get to it later” when asked about a specific task or need.

This type of vague promise most likely drives your wife absolutely nuts, and for good reason…


First, it communicates that her needs are inferior to your needs and agenda.

Second, it further erodes trust because there’s no certainty that what you say is actually going to happen.


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Try attaching a deadline to your promises because that communicates to your spouse that she is a priority, that you are serious about what you said, and that she has the ability and right to hold you accountable to it.

So instead of, “I’ll get an accountability partner someday”

Try, “I’ll make calls to these 4-5 guys this week and to see if they will be my accountability partner.”

Big difference!


It’s one thing to say you’re going to “do the work” but it’s another thing to actually follow through.

Chances are if you are in a marriage where porn use has been a problem, there is some history of broken promises to get better.


“I’m sorry honey, I’ll try better next time” DOES NOT cut it.

Your wife doesn’t want to hear your good intentions, she wants to see you follow through on them.

This doesn’t mean adding her to your accountability software as an accountability partner.

What it does mean is creating regular check ins with her to review what you are doing each day and week to grow and heal.

Try establishing a weekly coffee chat where the two of you simply sit down so you can let her know how you are progressing in your recovery walk, what’s working, what’s not, and what you are learning throughout the whole process.

These meetings are REAL opportunity to show her that you are not just full of crap again, but you are making a real effort and DOING THE WORK.

The adage may be old, but it’s still so very true…

Actions speak louder than words.

There are many other ways to build trust of course. But these three simple actions can make a huge difference in your efforts and over time will offer a significant return on your investment.

Now let’s get to work!

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