Breaking Free from Approval Seeking
Carl Thomas
Pastor | Live Free Founder | Lover of Jesus, Philly sports, fitness, tattoos, sarcasm, and craft beers.
Conditional love.
Two words that create more pain than we all might want to admit or even recognize. Not only is conditional love something many of us seek and pursue much to our own detriment. It also can serve as a great source of shame and the motivator for many unwanted and unhealthy coping behaviors.
Yet, the reality is that in one’s daily quest to be everything for everyone, we often find ourselves overcommitted, overwhelmed, and underloved. The pressure to meet the expectations of others so that we can gain their approval leads to excessive stress and angst, in some cases, driving us toward unhealthy behaviors such as porn as a means for escape.
This is why learning to free ourselves from these pressures and our need for conditional acceptance is crucial for maintaining optimal mental health and overall well-being.
Understand that such approval seeking leads to overcommitment and chronic stress, often resulting in burnout and the neglect of our own self-care. This can leave one feeling drained, chronically overwhelmed, and emotionally fragile. Therefore it is critical in our quest for real freedom that we also begin the process of breaking free from our approval seeking habits.
Recognize that our need for approval from others is deeply ingrained in many of us. As humans we have a natural desire to connect with others, and so when we have grown up in families or systems where unconditional love was lacking, we tend to default to approval seeking habits to gain the connection and love we so deeply crave. Consequently in our pursuit for approval and love we take on more than we can handle, hoping to earn validation and acceptance. However, this pursuit often leads to a loss of personal identity, increased anxiety, heightened self-doubt, and emotional dependency.
Therefore in order to reduce these somewhat natural tendencies, we must engage in healthy habits and practices that help us remain more individuated, rather than dependent on others for our sense of self-worth and significance.
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Join the Live Free Community1. Self-Reflection and Awareness
If you find yourself constantly seeking the approval of others and feeling exhausted by the conditional acceptance “rat race,” take some time to reflect on your current commitments and the motivations behind them. Are you taking on responsibilities for your own reasons or to please others? Do your commitments align with your values and goals? Answering these questions can help you develop greater self-awareness and identify patterns of overcommitment and approval-seeking.
2. Set Clear and Healthy Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is crucial for managing one’s time and energy effectively. This is a universal truism that extends beyond the realm of recovery and mental wellness. This means that sometimes you need to learn how to say “no” more often so that you can say “yes’ to what truly matters. Additionally, drawing boundaries requires one to prioritize better so that you can focus more on commitments that align with your personal values and long-term goals rather than those that have been thrust upon you for the sole benefit of someone else.
3. Shift Your Mindset
If you want to stop the ongoing pursuit of “people pleasing,” you need to change your mindset. This requires one to worry more about self-approval than the approval of others. Therefore, take time to acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments. Focus on your own standards rather than seeking external validation. When appropriate, engage in positive self-talk and words of affirmation to build your internal sense of validation. And remember, your worth is not determined by the opinion and/or acceptance of other people. So stay true to yourself and your values.
4. Practice Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care is essential for maintaining mental and emotional health. In fact, self-care is so important that professional counselors are ethically required to engage in self-care activities by the American Counseling Association. Incorporating healthy habits into your routine, such as regular exercise and mindfulness exercises can help you stay present and manage anxiety. This type of self-prioritization may not be popular with others if their needs take a back seat to yours, but it is the healthiest thing for you.
5. Seek Support and (Maybe) Professional Help
The truth is it is very difficult to stop or even reduce one’s overcommitment and approval-seeking tendencies. These behaviors can become deeply ingrained in one’s personality. As such, it is wise and sometimes absolutely necessary to seek support. Friends, family, and support groups all can provide the type of emotional support you need as you extricate yourself from your approval-seeking lifestyle. Additionally, consider professional therapy as a counselor can help you develop strategies for managing stress and building self-worth.
Freeing yourself from the need for others’ approval and conditional love is a transformative process that requires self-awareness, boundary-setting, mindset shifts, self-care, and support.
By addressing these areas, you can reduce stress, create a more balanced and fulfilling life, and strengthen your recovery efforts. Embrace your journey toward self-acceptance and prioritize your well-being to prevent the compulsion to escape through unhealthy and even addictive behaviors. Because true freedom requires valuing yourself and your needs just as much as you value the expectations of others.
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