Breaking Free from Shame
Carl Thomas
Pastor | Live Free Founder | Lover of Jesus, Philly sports, fitness, tattoos, sarcasm, and craft beers.
Shame is a powerful and often destructive emotion, especially for those struggling with compulsive and addictive behaviors.
It can keep someone trapped in a cycle of self-criticism and relapse, making it very difficult to move forward on one’s journey to true recovery. However, it’s possible to free yourself from this shame and embrace a healthier, more compassionate approach to your recovery and your life in general.
Recognize that shame is very different from guilt. While guilt is the feeling that comes from recognizing you’ve done something wrong, shame is the belief that you are fundamentally flawed because of your actions. This distinction is important because shame deeply impacts your sense of self-worth and your identity and can negatively impact your mental health. Shame is also one of the greatest reasons people turn to destructive behaviors such as compulsive pornography use. Ironically, it is also a primary reason people stay “stuck” in their addictive ways.
Shame affects individuals on multiple levels and in various ways.
It can damage self-esteem, create feelings of isolation, increase stress and anxiety, and hinder one from seeking help or fully engaging in recovery efforts. However, understanding the profound impact of shame is a crucial first step in breaking free from it. By acknowledging its presence and refusing to deny or suppress its influence, we diminish its power, as shame only thrives in secrecy and isolation.
Of course, overcoming shame is not an overnight or easy process. In fact, I wrote an entire book dedicated to the subject of shame and only scratched the surface. That said, here are some things to consider as you attempt to navigate your way out of shame’s grasp.
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Join the Live Free CommunityFirst, identify the source.
Take the time to reflect on the specific behaviors or situations that trigger your feelings of shame. Using a journal can be helpful as you record and clarify your thoughts. However, it’s important to avoid further indulging in shame during this process. Instead, accept your feelings and understand that shame is a natural response. By acknowledging and accepting your shame, you lay the foundation for addressing these thoughts and feelings constructively.
Second, challenge negative self-talk.
Shame is often fueled by negative self-talk. This type of internal dialogue contributes to one’s fears that they are unworthy or a failure. However, such destructive mental noise must be challenged. This requires you to recognize the negative things you tell yourself, question their validity and factual basis, and replace such thoughts with more positive and realistic ones. For instance, rather than saying, “I’m a failure,” replace that thought with a countering affirmation such as, “I am capable of change.”
Third, practice self-compassion.
Self-compassion is not the same as being soft or enabling. Rather, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same empathy and understanding you would offer a friend. This practice can be transformative in overcoming the power of shame. While we all make mistakes and face challenges, we can still be compassionate, kind, and forgiving to ourselves. This allows you to focus on your commitment to change rather than indulging in self-criticism and the notion that your past mistakes define you.
Fourth, seek connection and support.
Again, shame thrives in secrecy and isolation because it compels us to stay hidden and out of sight. Shame doesn’t want us to expose our true selves to others because it feeds off our fear of rejection and inadequacy. However, connecting with others authentically and openly can greatly diminish its power.
This means we need to find the courage to share our struggles with others, whether it be a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Support groups offer a safe space where you can share your experiences and hear from others who are going through similar challenges. This helps normalize your experiences and reduce feelings of shame.
Fifth, focus on growth and progress.
Shame is all about yesterday and never about tomorrow. It thrives on regret, continually punishing you for mistakes made days or even years ago. Therefore, to fully conquer shame, one must shift their focus from past errors to the possibility of future growth. Instead of wringing your hands about what could have been, set small, achievable goals focused on what can still be, and celebrate each small victory along the way.
That said, realize that setbacks are a normal part of life.
Instead of treating setbacks as shameful failures, view them as opportunities to learn and grow. Rather than indulging in self-criticism and self-loathing, focus on figuring out what you can do differently next time to change your situation and advance your progress. This way, by focusing on the potential for growth, you can build a positive narrative about your journey, rather than one that serves only to condemn you.
At the end of the day, shame is a monster that we all battle from time to time. It is a reality of life that we will always have to face down, especially in times of difficulty and challenge. But we must acknowledge its presence in our lives and work towards dismantling its toxic influence.
This is especially true for those dealing with porn addiction and other unwanted behaviors, as it can be a significant barrier in one’s recovery from compulsive behaviors. Remember, recovery is a journey, and every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory. Embrace your journey with kindness and patience rather than shame, and allow yourself the grace to heal and grow. Because ultimately, shame is not what defines you. Only God does that.
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