Do I Get My Wife Involved?




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Carl Thomas

Pastor | Live Free Founder | Lover of Jesus, Philly sports, fitness, tattoos, sarcasm, and craft beers.

I’ll be honest.

What I want to talk about today is meant for the married guys; but if you’re not presently married I’d still encourage you to read this because it could help you with your next relationship.

Also, this could apply to a dating situation, depending on how involved you are with your girlfriend, when it comes to your “recovery.”

So the question I get a lot is this…

“How do I get my wife on the same page with me when it comes to my recovery goals?”

And to that point, should you get her on the same page?
Do you even want her involved?

So first thing’s first – Do I get my wife on the same page?

And my answer would be an emphatic YES!

But why?

First, by doing so, you are showing her that you’re really trying and committing to something.

It’s not just another broken promise.

It’s not just another, “Hey babe, I’ll try better.”

Second, it helps build trust.

Again, going back to that broken promise thing… you are communicating more than just “it’ll be different next time.”

You are showing her that you’re doing something to ensure it’s better next time.


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Third, it shows her that you have some sort of REAL plan.

A lot of guys when it comes to dealing with this stuff have no plan. They’re just winging it.

When you have a plan you can show your spouse not only that you are committed to making a change, but also how you intend on making that change happen.

You’re showing her that you’ve actually thought this whole thing through!

Guys, your actions speak louder than words. “All right, I’ll try harder” doesn’t cut it.

But then the question is, “How do I get her involved?”

Does this mean she’s my accountability partner and now I’m reporting to her my every struggle and misdeed, etc?

And the answer to that questions is ideally no.

Of course, if you both have agreed to some sort of reporting or accountability plan you need to honor your wife and your promises.

But, that type of micro-management stuff can often lead to more problems, more pain, and more frustration.

What I mean by getting her involved is simply getting her on the same page with what you are doing.

That’s all it is.

So the conversation may look something like this…

“Hey babe, I have a plan. These are the goals I’ve set up. And here’s why I’ve set them up. And I’m committing to this with these people. I’m staying accountable for these goals and here is how I’m going to stay accountable.”

You’re showing her the whole big picture.

This is what I plan to do.
This is how I plan to get there.
These are the people I’m involving.

And then you move on.

Let her know that she’s free to check in with you anytime on whether you’re sticking to your plan or not.

Additionally, commit to her that you’re going to check in with her regularly as well.

Understand that getting her on the same page is not the same as asking her to be your accountability partner.

You aren’t telling her, “Hey, today I was at the mall and I stared too long at the cashier’s boobs.”

Instead you’re sharing things like, “Hey, I met with my accountability partner this week to talk about things.”

Or… “Hey, just wanna let you know. I met with my support group this week and things are going well.”

Or… “I checked in on the app today and had a good conversation with another guy I’m staying accountable to.”

Again, the point here is to let her know you’re sticking to the plan.

You’re not keeping her in the loop with the blow by blow details of how your day is going.

That is why you have accountability partners.
That’s why you have the Live Free Community App.
That’s why you have your small group.

Because checking in with those people and support communities should be a key piece of your plan.

Additionally, one thing I would highly recommend is that you and your wife meet weekly to discuss things like…

– How’s it going with your efforts?
– What did you do this week to stay accountable?
– What are you learning about yourself and your journey?
– Are you feeling increased hope and healing?

This way you are 1) showing her your commitment to keeping her in the loop, and 2) letting her see that progress is REALLY being made which will give her hope and some peace.

So many couples want to do their “recovery” in separate corners like two boxers.

Don’t make that mistake!

You both can get though this.
You both can heal.

But it requires both of you doing this thing together.

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