When it comes to change, whether breaking free from unwanted sexual behaviors, managing compulsive habits, or simply trying to make healthier choices, one of the most common things we hear is, “I just don’t feel motivated.”

People often say this with frustration, as if motivation is something you either have or you don’t. And this frustration often devolves into shame and despair.

But the truth is this: everyone is motivated.

In fact, Motivational Interviewing (MI), a widely used counseling approach in addiction treatment, is built on this idea. MI focuses on uncovering the reasons that already matter to the person, rather than telling them what to do, because being motivated isn’t a magic occurrence.

Simply put… it’s what gets you moving, whatever that looks like for you.

Understand that we often believe motivation has to feel exciting or inspirational. But real motivation is anything that gets you taking steps toward change. That could mean calling a friend instead of isolating, attending a support group even when you don’t feel like it, or choosing to pause before acting on a compulsive urge.

It doesn’t have to feel thrilling to count. Movement is motivation.

But a lot of times, those struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors don’t recognize this fact and mistakenly believe that because they don’t “feel” motivated they must just be apathetic.

Not so.

This is because what feels like apathy is actually ambivalence in disguise. Ambivalence is the natural tension of wanting change but also wanting the comfort of the familiar. Feeling “stuck” does not mean you are lazy, broken, or unmotivated. It means you are human.

Everyone feels this way when something important requires change, especially when it is difficult or scary.

In fact, research in psychology shows that ambivalence is a normal part of change, particularly when habits or coping strategies have been deeply ingrained (Miller & Rollnick, 2013). Those old behaviors, whether unhealthy sexual patterns, addictive tendencies, or other compulsive habits, exist for a reason.

They helped life feel manageable at one point.

So letting them go can be intimidating, even when you know the outcome will be positive. That intimidation can naturally lead to reluctance, which is a normal human response. But reluctance is part of the process. This is because anytime we face growth, our instincts push back. Change introduces uncertainty, and uncertainty often feels unsafe. And one thing our human brains crave desperately is safety.

That is why, when it comes to compulsive or addictive behaviors, lapses and slip-ups are common. They can even reinforce negative self-talk that says, “See, I can’t do this. This is just who I am.”

The key is understanding that those moments do not erase your motivation. They show that you are grappling with something meaningful. You are weighing what matters, even when fear and old habits tug in the other direction.

So then how does one start moving forward when ambivalence feels heavy, even overwhelming?

First, notice that ambivalence is not your enemy.

It is a signal that you care enough to struggle with the choice between staying the same and growing. Curiosity is your ally here. Ask yourself questions like:

• What do I really want my life to look like?
• How do my current choices match up with my values?
• What am I afraid I might lose if I change?

Answering these questions helps you separate fear from fact and makes the next step clearer.

Second, focus on small actions.

Motivation grows through movement. You do not need a big, sweeping surge of energy to start. You only need to take the next step. Each small choice builds momentum and reinforces that change is possible.

This is especially true in recovery from sexual compulsive behaviors, where even minor acts of self-regulation, such as pausing before acting, choosing to connect with a support network, or reflecting on triggers, signal real progress. This is also why in recovery circles you’ll often hear the words “one day at a time.”

Because small steps matter.

Third, motivation is about movement, not perfection.

Apathy is often ambivalence waiting to be explored. Ambivalence is a normal response to the challenge of change. And reluctance is part of being human.

The most important thing is to start where you are. If you are feeling stuck, pick one small step. Reach out, reflect, or act on one choice that aligns with your values. Celebrate that action. Momentum comes from small, consistent steps, not from waiting to feel motivated.

Remember that lapses do not erase your progress. They are part of learning and growth. Motivation is not about never failing; it is about moving forward even when the path is messy.

The bottom line is this: you are not unmotivated. You are human.

Every small step counts. Every pause to reflect, every honest conversation, every intentional choice… these are all evidence that motivation exists. Even in the middle of ambivalence, you are moving. And that movement is what matters most.

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References

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Hettema, J., Steele, J., & Miller, W. R. (2005). Motivational Interviewing. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 1, 91–111.

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2008). Self-determination theory: A macrotheory of human motivation, development, and health. Canadian Psychology, 49(3), 182–185.

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