Carl Thomas

Pastor | Live Free Founder | Lover of Jesus, Philly sports, fitness, tattoos, sarcasm, and craft beers.

Most men I talk to who struggle with porn and sex are desperate to figure out why they can’t seem to stop making the wrong decisions, especially when certain scenarios arise in their lives.

Given the fast-paced and highly connected world we live in, it’s no wonder why so many continue to struggle with their sexual compulsions, particularly during moments of emotional turmoil and stress. After all, when one is just trying to survive the daily challenges that life throws at them, it is easy to get caught off guard in a moment of vulnerability.

Understand that despite the best intentions, making decisions that align with one’s sexual integrity aspirations can be very difficult when triggered.

This is not because of some sort of moral deficit or character flaw, but rather it is simply a reality of biological design. The truth is when one is triggered and the dopamine levels start to rise, the part of the brain that houses our values, goals, and is responsible for logical thought slows down, sometimes to a crawl.  

As such, when someone is pursuing recovery it is essential to take some proactive measures to help ensure better decisions during these moments and, ideally, reduce the frequency of such occurrences in the first place. Here are four things you can do to help yourself before things get out of control.

1. Self-Awareness and Understanding Triggers

The first step in making better decisions when triggered is understanding what your specific triggers are. This sounds reasonable and logical, but the truth is, many who struggle with porn and other unwanted sexual behaviors are completely oblivious to what triggers their desire to act out. Discovering your triggers takes time, patience, and a high level of self-awareness. Practices such as keeping a journal can be particularly helpful in identifying patterns and triggers.

Next time you feel triggered, write down what you were feeling, thinking, and doing before the urge surfaced. Over time, you may be able to detect patterns that can help you better anticipate and prepare for such situations.

2. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Porn use and other unwanted sexual behaviors are maladaptive behaviors that many turn to when facing stress and discomfort. As such, developing alternative healthy coping mechanisms can be extremely beneficial when you feel the urge and/or “need” to act out sexually.

Some of these alternatives include:

• Physical Activity: Engaging in exercise can help reduce stress and improve mood, making it easier to resist unhealthy urges. Simply put, a change in your physical state will result in a change in your mental state.
• Creative Outlets: Activities like painting, writing, or playing music can serve as positive distractions and provide emotional catharsis.
• Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help you stay present and manage urges without acting on them.

3. Establish Better Boundaries and “Safe” Environments

Practically speaking, creating environments that reduce the likelihood of encountering triggers is wise and can be very helpful. Admittedly, this one can be taken to an extreme where individuals may rely on protective measures exclusively for the maintenance of their sexual well-being. Nonetheless, there is something to be said for reducing the frequency of problematic scenarios that often invite sexual misdeeds.

These measures might include:

• Limiting Access: For instance, if certain websites or social media platforms are triggers, consider using website filters or limiting your time on these platforms.
• Physical Environment: Ensure your living and working spaces are conducive to positive behaviors. This also includes possibly drawing boundaries around what you allow yourself to do or not do given the situation, such as not taking your smartphone into the bathroom or avoiding late-night TV watching when alone.
• Relational Boundaries: It’s unfortunate, but certain people in our lives can push our emotional buttons. Whether it’s parents, friends, or coworkers, they may trigger high levels of emotional distress that lead to a desire to act out as an unhealthy means of emotional regulation. In light of this, it may be wise to consider establishing new relational boundaries that clearly define what you are willing to accept and what you will reject in terms of expectations and treatment.

4. Strengthen Emotional Resilience

Building emotional resilience is critical to one’s ability to handle stress and other emotional events that may trigger the desire to act out sexually. However, this is not a simple process and may require one to engage the help of a trained professional counselor who can provide valuable insights and coping strategies tailored to a person’s specific needs.

Additionally, consider joining a support group. Whether in person or online, these safe communities can offer a sense of connection and understanding. Sharing experiences with others who face similar challenges can reduce feelings of isolation, provide practical advice, and enhance one’s emotional resilience.

Ultimately, the goal of recovery is to find freedom, not just sobriety.

However, recovery takes time. As one works on strengthening their emotional well-being and mental fitness, it is essential to implement proactive measures that will help navigate triggers effectively, reducing the instances of relapse and leading to a more fulfilling life. Over time, you may find that your ability to handle problematic scenarios is greatly strengthened, but even then, there is great wisdom in doing some preparation to reduce the frequency of such instances.

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