There’s no doubt that recovery from compulsive unwanted sexual behaviors can be a long and challenging process.

There are many reasons for this. Mainly, mental and emotional health cannot easily or quickly be changed and/or improved. This is why we prioritize the development of communities and recovery resources that focus on sustained growth, long-term engagement, and safety.

That said, it is relatively natural to become impatient or feel hurried when it comes to one’s recovery progress. Patience is a virtue, but difficult to observe when one’s life and/or marriage has been “off the rails” for some time. And so sometimes, men (and women) may try to run before they fully learned how to walk, leading to setbacks, relapses, or worse.

I was reminded of this principle over the weekend when I played basketball with my son and his friends.

Let me explain…

My son Hunter had a couple of his friends come over to shoot hoops. Since they needed a 4th player I volunteered my services even though it had been some time since I had played in any sort of game due to health issues that have since been resolved. 

Admittedly, I thought we (me and Hunter) would win every game relatively easily, but that did not happen. Mostly because I just could not keep up in terms of speed and conditioning. Don’t get me wrong… we were competitive. But this past weekend I was reminded of my age and the pains that come with getting older.

I still played.
I still had fun.

But I had to be realistic and acknowledge the reality of my situation or risk injury.

I also had to come to terms with the following 3 truths:

1. Your current state of health dictates your limits (boundaries).

Ever since my heart surgery to fix a problem with my heart’s electrical system, my heart rate has run a bit higher during exercise. It’s safe and nothing to worry about, but it does limit my level of physical exertion. Not a big deal, unless you are dealing with younger teens who can go twice as fast and hard as you.

The same applies to those in recovery.

Your current mental and emotional health is going to have a lot to say about what you can deal with and/or not deal with in terms of relationships and potentially triggering situations. So rather than pushing your limits, it’s better to draw healthy boundaries and remain in the safe zone as you work to get better and grow stronger.

2. You need good teammates.

While it may be slightly painful to admit, at this point my son is way better at basketball than me. It’s not even close. His shooting, ball handling, and penetration skills are all far superior to mine and what I have on him in strength, he makes up for in speed and agility. I understood this going in and played accordingly. Sure, I would have liked to be the one who carried our team, but it just wasn’t happening. And if I forced the matter, the games we played would have gone way worse than they did.

Again, this applies to men and women in recovery.

You can’t do this alone. And, you shouldn’t. One of the worst things someone in recovery can do is try to carry the load all by themselves and be the hero. Take things slow. Lean into communities of support like Live Free and Small Groups Online. Stop trying to be the recovery “all-star.” Healing takes time, so be patient with the process and rely on your support systems along the way.

3. There’s no shame in “defeat” as long as the effort was there.

Like I said, we didn’t win every game. In fact, we lost 3 of 4 despite being really close every time. As a Dad I wanted to help deliver a win every time for my son, but it just didn’t happen. If I’m being honest, it was a little saddening. But, later I just had to own my reality and be OK with the fact that I had certain limitations and be satisfied with my efforts.

This one may be the most challenging for those in recovery.

When we recognize our limitations, it can feel like a bit of a failure. And admitting the truth about one’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities takes a lot of humility and transparency. But, that’s an important part of the process. People who see themselves as “addicts” often think in black and white terms.

They are either… 

• Winners or losers.
• Heroes or villains.
• Strong or weak. 
• Successful or failures.

But that’s not reality. Recovery and health in general operate on a continuum. There are no such things as completely healthy and completely sick. That’s black and white. Rather, life happens in shades of gray and recognizing your own shade is a matter of being aware, not something to be ashamed of. 

Remember, recovery is about progress, not perfection.

Recognizing that you have limitations is not a bad thing. Relying on others to offer you support when you feel too weak on your own is wise, not something to avoid. And taking some pride in your efforts rather than the results is just smart and emotionally healthy.

Maybe today you feel a little less than.
Maybe you realize that things aren’t perfect.
Maybe you see that there is a lot of work to do in your life.

But that’s ok. Just keep doing the work and stay committed to your growth. Things can change. Life will get better. Just don’t rush the process or work outside your safety zones because doing so may delay your progress.

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