The Breeding Ground for Mistakes
Carl Thomas
Pastor | Live Free Founder | Lover of Jesus, Philly sports, fitness, tattoos, sarcasm, and craft beers.
One constant thing we try to stress to those struggling with porn and sex addiction is that their issues are more about emotional survival than a lack of moral fiber.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a moral aspect to one’s poor sexual decisions; but the primary driver behind their behavior is their inability to handle the ups and downs of life without some sort of unhealthy coping mechanism that promises them an escape from their painful reality.
This is why relapses often occur when people feel dysregulated because their emotions are running either too high (hyperactivation) or too low (hypoactivation). Perhaps this is what led psychologist Sam Owen to say the following:
“Negative emotional states are a breeding ground for mistakes.”
Why is this?
Well, that’s a long conversation, but to put it as simply as possible, when we operate in survival mode due to emotional discomfort, we tend to do dumb things. That’s because survival thinking is very short-sighted. It adopts an “in the moment” perspective and only worries about the here and now.
Think about it. When you feel threatened, do you worry more about what you need to do to diffuse or get out of the situation, or do you stop and take 5-10 minutes to contemplate your future and the next twenty years? The answer is obvious.
Yes, it would be nice if we could always operate with a critical mindset, analyzing every outcome of every decision we make and how each outcome impacts our long-term happiness and health. But survival thinking doesn’t afford one such luxury. Not because there is something wrong with us, but because that’s how our brains work.
It’s simple biology.
The problem, however, is that in most cases, emotional discomfort is not a matter of survival. Sure, it might not feel good and can even be really painful, but for the most part, you will live through it. You don’t need to make impulsive or expedient decisions that will hurt your overall welfare just to get immediate relief. That type of thinking generally only leads to more problems.
So, when talking about porn and sex addiction, realize that for the most part, these behaviors are emotional survival mechanisms. Yes, they may cause more pain for the user. They may hurt others. They may contribute to greater societal problems. But they also offer the promise of escape and immediate relief, which is what emotional survival concerns itself with. This realization is significant because when we recognize that porn and sex addiction are more about emotional survival than a lack of willpower or morality, we can fundamentally change how we approach the subject of recovery.
When we understand that individuals are struggling with deep-seated emotional regulation issues, we can tailor our support and interventions more effectively.
REAL PEOPLE. REAL COMMUNITY. REAL FREEDOM.
Stop Simply Surviving & Start Thriving
Join the Live Free CommunityFirst, we can encourage the development of healthier coping mechanisms to improve emotional regulation.
Techniques such as mindfulness, cognitive-behavioral strategies, and even physical activities can help individuals manage their emotional states without resorting to unhealthy, survival-motivated behaviors.
Second, we must help individuals connect with a healthy support network.
Isolation exacerbates feelings of emotional distress, increasing the chances of relapse. However, when individuals engage with a supportive community, whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or close relationships, they can find the emotional stability, empathy, accountability, and encouragement needed to stay on track.
Third, we need to push people to explore the underlying issues that may be contributing to their emotional pain and discomfort.
This might involve exploring past traumas, current life stressors, or other mental health issues such as anxiety or depression. Therapy is a valuable tool in the recovery process that offers a safe space to uncover and work through these deeper issues so that they can heal emotional wounds and reduce their reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Finally, we must help individuals struggling with these behaviors foster a greater sense of purpose and meaning that may help offset the emotional void that often accompanies addiction.
When people engage in activities that bring joy, satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment, they can shift their focus away from their addictive behaviors and focus more on building a fulfilling life.
Again, this is a rather large topic of discussion. There is a lot that goes into one’s emotional well-being and the reasons one may seek out unhealthy behaviors such as porn or masturbation to help offset their pains, insecurities, and fears. But realize that these choices are often survival-motivated, and the unfortunate outcomes of such short-sighted approaches to life management are rather predictable.
As such, it is important that those struggling in these areas pursue the activities and resources that will most help them become healthier and happier people, rather than resorting to interventions that are more designed to strictly limit or control their options.
And, if you are looking for a healthy recovery-focused community to begin your journey to better emotional health with, look no further than the Live Free Community or Small Groups Online. Our community of over 1,000 men is perfect for those who need others in their life that will encourage and support them as they travel the path to freedom and well-being.
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