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Have you ever had this happen to you?

You call your bank because you need some information. The only problem is you don’t have your checkbook or your debit card available. So you get the “helpful” bank representative on the phone and they start putting you through a list of 20 questions to verify your identity.

Just when you think that you’ve satisfied their requirements, they say, “Please give me the amount of your last deposit 30 days ago.”

Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but regardless, they ask for some really obscure piece of information.

And when you cry and complain and say this is ridiculous. Their answer is… “It’s to protect your privacy.”

In my opinion, we put way too much value on “privacy.”

Of course, we don’t want somebody being able to access our bank records, credit card records, or mortgage information, but that’s security.

Privacy refers to the idea that we don’t want those transactions to be public, and I understand that.

Don’t get me wrong, my neighbor doesn’t need to know how much my mortgage is, but at the end of the day, let’s be honest, how much would it matter if he or she did?

And that’s really the crux of the matter.

Why are we so private about things?
Why does it matter?

Maybe because the value we place on “privacy” often comes down to two things, FEAR and SHAME.

We don’t want people to know what’s going on in our life, whether it’s financial, marital, or sexual because we’re afraid if that information somehow gets out, it will “hurt” us.

And usually, if we are being honest, the only thing we are worried about being hurt is how people view us.


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It’s no wonder when it comes to matters of sex, porn, and masturbation the premium on privacy is increased exponentially.

If you don’t want your neighbor knowing how much you pay for your house, imagine how much you don’t want him/her knowing about the fact you masturbated three times yesterday (that would be an awkward conversation to have on the front lawn).

What would your neighbor think?

Now, I don’t think we should be sharing the details of our sex life with a random person at the gym, or the secretary at work, or even the neighbor.

But we do need to loosen up and realize that our frailties and our faults, whether sexually related or not, are just that… faults, everybody has them.

Nobody’s immune.
Nobody’s perfect.

I might struggle with porn use, but you, my friend, might struggle with eating too many hamburgers a day.

I medicate with porn.

You medicate with food.

At the end of the day, it’s the same thing and we both should be able to talk about it.

If you’re uncomfortable with my transparency, then that’s on you.

You need to deal with that.
I don’t.
I’m good.

But it’s a process getting to the point where we can walk in that type of freedom… where we aren’t afraid of losing our precious privacy and incurring undeserved shame.

This is why we created the Live Free Community, Live Free Wives, and Small Groups Online.

And this is why I wrote the book When Shame Gets Real.

Because we all need to start having more honest and open conversations about sex and sexuality.

We all need to feel free enough to admit that maybe we struggle in certain areas of our lives and could use some extra help and support.

And until we reach that point…

We need to have a place where we can begin to live a more open life.

A place where we all have the same sins to bear and there is no judgment, no condemnation and plenty of grace.

If you need help starting those conversations – check out the book.

And if you need a place to start those conversations – check out one of our communities.

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