Carl Thomas

Pastor | Live Free Founder | Lover of Jesus, Philly sports, fitness, tattoos, sarcasm, and craft beers.

Freedom from porn and sex addiction is something that many who visit our websites and join our various communities are seeking in their lives.

And for good reason. After all, these types of destructive and compulsive behaviors can wreak havoc on one’s relationships, careers, and life in general. Yet, unfortunately, the concept of freedom can be an elusive one. This is because achieving true freedom from porn addiction and unwanted sexual behaviors requires more than just abstinence.

In other words, simply stopping your unwanted behavior is just sobriety.

It’s not real freedom. Understand that true freedom involves addressing the underlying issues that contribute to your addictive behaviors and compulsions. This is why we say that while porn is a problem, it’s not the real problem. Simply put, your porn problem is just a reflection of a much deeper problem related to your mental and emotional wellness.

Additionally, while we recognize that mental health offers a path to sexual health, we also know that one must find freedom from other smaller issues they face along the way that often hinder growth and development. These include toxic relationships, shame, approval-seeking, and black-and-white thinking. I will be addressing each of these in later posts this month. But for now, let’s examine why these seemingly small matters are, in actuality, very damaging and problematic to one’s recovery.

The Impact of Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships are, unfortunately, a reality of life. I think it is safe to say we all have them or have had them at some point in our lives. However, despite their prevalence, these relationships can pose a significant barrier to overcoming one’s porn and/or sex addiction. This is because toxic people often seek to manipulate, emotionally abuse, or exploit those they have relational leverage over, creating an environment of constant stress and emotional turmoil.

These individuals can reinforce feelings of unworthiness and other negative beliefs that fuel one’s addiction. As such, it can be extremely challenging to maintain a positive self-image and sense of hope when enmeshed in these damaging relationships.

Worse yet, when we subject ourselves to this sort of ongoing conflict and emotional abuse, it leaves less room for personal growth and self-care, which are essential aspects of recovery. Consequently, if we fail to address these toxic dynamics, achieving true freedom from addiction can be far more difficult than one might expect.

The Weight of Shame

Shame is a powerful emotion that can deeply impact your journey to recovery and sense of identity. This is why I wrote an entire book dedicated to this subject. Unlike guilt, which is about feeling bad for something you’ve done, shame is about feeling bad for who you are. This internalized belief of being fundamentally flawed can create a pervasive sense of unworthiness and despair that fosters negative self-talk and destructive habits that feed the cycle of addiction.

Understand that when you feel ashamed, you are more likely to isolate yourself, avoiding the support and connection that are crucial for recovery.

This isolation can worsen feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, and low self-worth, making it even harder to connect with others and seek the help you need to overcome your destructive behaviors. Ultimately, overcoming shame is not just about changing your behavior; it’s about changing how you see yourself and your worthiness of love and healing. As such, I believe that you must find freedom from the shame in your life if you want to find true freedom from your addiction.

The Burden of Approval Seeking

Subjecting oneself to the expectations of others can create significant feelings of stress and anxiety, particularly when they conflict with your own needs and values. However, many do this on a regular basis in an effort to seek approval and affirmation. Unfortunately, living up to these expectations can be much harder than it might seem, creating immense pressure and leading to feelings of inadequacy and failure that often serve as underlying factors in maladaptive and addictive behaviors.

Additionally, when you are constantly trying to meet others’ standards, it can be easy to neglect your own well-being and boundaries. This approval-seeking behavior can result in overcommitment, potentially leading to burnout due to the stress and exhaustion of managing numerous self-imposed obligations.

These factors can all contribute to the perpetuation of addictive behaviors as a means for coping or escape.

The Trap of Black-and-White Thinking

Black-and-white thinking, or all-or-nothing thinking, is a cognitive distortion that can significantly hinder recovery from any addiction. This mindset involves viewing situations, people, and oneself in extremes, without recognizing the complexities that “real life” presents. As such, when one sees the world in black and white, setbacks are perceived as complete failures, which can lead to discouragement, increased shame, and a sense of hopelessness.

Black-and-white thinking is rigid and can prevent you from seeing and appreciating the progress you’ve made.

This is because anything less than perfection is considered a failure. Consequently, such an all-or-nothing mindset can keep you stuck in a cycle of addiction, as the pressure to be perfect often leads to white-knuckling and eventual relapse.

Realize that the path to freedom is never straight and more gray than black or white. Therefore, if one wants to experience true freedom, they need to develop a greater appreciation for progress more so than perfection.

In the end, freedom from porn and/or sex addiction is a multi-faceted process and experience that goes beyond mere sobriety and behavior modification. It requires a deep commitment to pursuing emotional and mental fitness while also addressing the negative influences of toxic relationships, shame, approval-seeking, and rigid thinking. Therefore, when you take time to understand and appreciate how these factors influence your life and journey, you can create a more comprehensive and effective path to lasting recovery and true freedom.

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